Today, looking from the window in my office, I felt faKe.
I’ve never felt “faKe” before. I felt like a liar, like a bastard, I felt weak, stupid, arrogant, I felt like nothing. But for the first time ever, I felt faKe.
I’ve been faKing it for so long, every day every hour. You can call it getting along, getting used, learning, experiencing, growing up .. whatever you wanna call it … But today, I found out it is simply being “faKe”.
I faKe watching the green light before crossing the street, I faKe being confident with the bar tender while ordering a “pint”, I faKe laughing at the stupid “Achmed” show, I fake not being astonished with the bus coming in the exact minute it’s supposed to come at, I fake being used to policemen that smile like human beings.
I fake being used to this clean street that I see from my fuckin window. God, how can they do it !!! … Whenever I look at it – Johan de Wittlaan (notice how faKe is the name!) – I expect a wave of dust that will turn this faKe beautiful scene into Khartoum or Cairo, you know, turn it into something I really know, something that I don’t need to “faKe” dealing with.
But … Will I – someday somehow – believe that it is “Normal” to look from the window and see a clean street and that there are policemen who actually smile, will I stop being astonished? … or will I stop faKing that I am not being astonished?
By the way, I just had lunch where we talked for an hour about Skiing resorts … looo0ool ..